You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
