And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
