Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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