your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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