Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
