6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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