Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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