alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You smell like stripper and shame
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
