There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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