no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
