I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
