I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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