In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
