I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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