i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My dick has a subreddit
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize