So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
