I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
