When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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