The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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