I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dick very happy bro
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
