WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
