my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize