Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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