that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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