U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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