my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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