well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
