I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
