Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
