this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
