I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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