I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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