I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
