I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
