I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
