i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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