Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
