Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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