i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't deserve a penis
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
