What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
