just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize