being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
