Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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