Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
