even my farts smell like vagina
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
