I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
