i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
