Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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