As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
