Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize