he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
