quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
