He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
