Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
