My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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