Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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