Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
