I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize