there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
