the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
