too bad you live with your parents still
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
