I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize