call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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