My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
