There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
