I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
