If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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