When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
