So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
