i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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