you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
