it wasn't lemon gatorade
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
