i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize