My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
